Before hiring a doula, clients interview them. This is a time to get to know the doula, learn about the compliment of services offered and see if the doula is a good fit for the client. However, it happens fairly often that a client will as the one question they shouldn’t.
“Do you have any children?”
This is inappropriate on many levels. I’ll break down why.
Your doula’s birth experience(s) don’t have any bearing on how yours will go. Just because she had an induction/natural birth/epidural/c-section doesn’t mean you will/won’t have that experience. Your doula’s birth doesn’t imbue her with any magical insights due to her personal experience. Every birth is different. Taking her birth(s) into account is not meaningful to you as her client and potentially harmful, setting up false or erroneous expectations.
It’s irrelevant to the doula’s skill set. One doesn’t need to have given birth to be compassionate, capable and well educated. You don’t need to have given birth to have the communication skills to help parents better negotiate with their medical staff. You don’t need to have given birth to be proficient in massage or other labor comfort skills. You don’t need to have given birth to have compassion and understanding.
You wouldn’t ask your obstetrician or midwife this question. You assume that their skill set is sufficient, and they don’t need personal experience to do a good job.
There is no job in the world where motherhood is a prerequisite.
It’s sexist. You wouldn’t ask a man this question. And yes, there are male doulas and childbirth educators out there, as well as male OB’s and midwives.
You don’t know anything about her personal life, nor should you. You don’t know if she’s struggled with infertility for years. You don’t know if she is a survivor of sexual abuse and the idea of bearing her own kids is too much for her. You don’t know if she hasn’t found the right life partner with whom to have kids. You don’t know if she has chosen to be childfree herself but loves babies and wants to help mothers. You don’t know that she is young and just not ready yet. You don’t know that she’s trans and doesn’t have a uterus.
This question is a prime example of where society values women and women’s work (most doulas are women). When women are valued based on what we do or don’t do with our uterus, it’s a huge problem. See also the abortion debate, feminism and all of women’s rights. By asking your doula if she’s had kids, you devalue everything else about her and her skills.
It’s discriminatory. Potentially, if this is one of the criteria used to evaluate the skills of a doula, you are ruling her out based on her uterus and it’s efficacy.
It’s illegal. This is a job interview. The client is hiring the doula to do a job. It is not permitted to ask questions about marital status, pregnancy, sexual orientation, familial status, etc. during any job interview of any kind. More details, here.
So, please, think carefully before you ask this question aloud. Think carefully before letting this be a deciding factor when choosing a doula. Her skills, training, expertise and compassion far outweigh any personal experience with motherhood she may have. Value women and their work for what it is, not for what her own uterus can do.
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As a midwife I get asked this question all the time. They also routinely ask if I had hospital or out of hospital birth and whether I had pain relief. I usually deflect the question back to what they are looking for in their birth. I agree the question is inappropriate and irrelevant but it’s not unusual.