Dads /Partners often come into my childbirth classes or doula consultations with a feeling of unease when I ask them, “What do you want your role to be during birth?”.
Beyond “support her”, they often don’t have a clear picture of what options they have, what she might need (or not need), how to express what they don’t want to do or how to deal with societal expectations of a dad in the delivery room. After class and / or doula meetings, dads come out feeling confident and as ready as they can be for labor.
Let’s take a look at the role of dad during birth.
It often feels like society expects a lot from dads in the delivery room, without asking them what they want or don’t want to be doing. Some dads to want to help mom change positions, hold her leg during pushing or cut the cord. Other dads can’t deal with bodily fluids or think cutting the cord is gross or weird. Either way is OK. There is no one right way to support a laboring woman.
I was a doula for a scheduled c-section because dad let me and his wife know what his boundaries were. He wanted to support his wife during prep and after baby came, but he couldn’t handle being in surgery with her, knowing that she was being operated upon. So, I was in the surgical room with mom, while dad waited for us. After we were finished, dad held the baby boy to mom’s breast to assist with breastfeeding. He knew is boundaries and both he and mom had a good birth experience.
As a couple, you need to discuss with one another what your expectations are for what you think your partner will want from you. Assumptions are deadly things. Communication is critical.
Just because “society” expects you do do or be something during childbirth, doesn’t mean that’s the right thing for you and your situation.
The challenge is often that, without a good childbirth class, dads / partners don’t know what they could do, let alone what they want to do during labor. Without any foundational information on labor and birth, it’s difficult to answer the question, “What do you want your role to be during birth?”. It is like asking me what I want to eat in a restaurant I’ve never been to, without having seen the menu. I can’t really answer that question, but I might be able to give you a vague thought on broad categories like “salad” or “something warm”.
Our Confident Birthing class or private, one on one childbirth classes, will not only offer you options as to what you can do for her during labor, but it’ll help you sort out your job and your strategy for helping her, as well as for helping you maintain your boundaries and stay strong and calm as you get ready to parent that baby. We’ll give you that full menu of choices and all of the details about those menu items.
If you want extra guidance, dads, in the moment, having a doula present during labor and birth is appropriate.
So, remember, there is no right way to support every laboring mom but there is a right way to support your wife/girlfriend/partner as she gives birth to your child.
To make it easier for you, here are the links to get you on track:
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